The role of sex in infidelity

Dr Rajan Bhonsle

While sexual attraction is undeniably a factor in many cases of infidelity, it is rarely the sole reason. Relationships are multifaceted, and so too are the motivations behind infidelity

Infidelity is a topic that has long stirred debate, emotion, and intrigue. Whether we hear about it in the lives of those close to us, read about it in popular culture, or experience its effects firsthand, infidelity can evoke powerful responses. At its core, infidelity is often seen as a breach of trust in a romantic relationship. But why does it happen? Is it merely a consequence of physical attraction, or are there deeper, more complex reasons driving someone to be unfaithful?

While sexual attraction is undeniably a factor in many cases of infidelity, it is rarely the sole reason. Relationships are multifaceted, and so too are the motivations behind infidelity. To understand this behaviour, we need to look beyond the surface-level appeal of physical intimacy and delve into the emotional, psychological, and situational factors that can also play a significant role. 

The evolutionary perspective: Is sex the primary driver? 
From an evolutionary standpoint, many have argued that sex plays a fundamental role in infidelity. The evolutionary theory of infidelity suggests that men, in particular, may be wired to seek out multiple sexual partners to increase their chances of reproducing and passing on their genes. This biological urge is thought to drive men towards infidelity in certain circumstances, even when they are in committed relationships. 

For women, the evolutionary perspective posits a slightly different motivation. In some cases, women may engage in infidelity as a way of securing better resources or a stronger genetic match for potential offspring. The idea is that while they may form a stable partnership with one man, they might be drawn to others who can offer something different—whether it’s physical strength, financial stability, or genetic diversity. 

However, while these theories offer some explanation, they don’t paint the whole picture. Many modern relationships are not driven solely by reproductive goals, and both men and women engage in infidelity for reasons that extend beyond the biological impulse to reproduce. 

Emotional needs: The unseen catalyst for infidelity 
Often overlooked, emotional dissatisfaction in a relationship is a powerful driver of infidelity. Many people who cheat report feeling emotionally neglected or misunderstood by their partner. This emotional gap can leave individuals feeling unappreciated, unloved, or isolated, which in turn makes them vulnerable to seeking validation elsewhere. 

It’s essential to recognise that emotional intimacy is just as important, if not more so, than physical intimacy in most relationships. When emotional connection fades or is lacking, people may begin to feel disconnected from their partner. This disconnection can be especially harmful when the relationship was once emotionally fulfilling. If a person feels they can no longer share their deepest thoughts, fears, or desires with their partner, they may look outside the relationship for someone who offers the emotional connection they crave. 

Infidelity can therefore sometimes be less about the physical act and more about the emotional experience. An emotional affair, for instance, may involve no sexual contact at all but still be deeply damaging to the primary relationship. In these cases, the unfaithful partner may feel more understood and appreciated by the person they’re connecting with outside of their relationship, leading to emotional betrayal. 

The search for validation and self-esteem 
Closely tied to emotional dissatisfaction is the desire for validation. Some people engage in infidelity to feel desired, attractive or wanted. When a person’s self-esteem takes a hit—whether it’s due to life circumstances, changes in their appearance, or neglect from their partner—they may seek out someone who boosts their confidence. 

Infidelity, in this case, is not necessarily about the act of sex but rather about the ego boost that comes from being desired by someone new. The attention and admiration of another person can be intoxicating, especially for those who feel neglected or underappreciated in their current relationship. The illicit nature of an affair can heighten this sense of excitement and importance, further fueling the desire to continue. 

It’s also worth noting that some individuals might use infidelity as a way to feel in control or powerful, especially if they feel powerless in other areas of their life. The act of cheating can provide a sense of autonomy or agency, even though it ultimately causes harm to the relationship. 

Relationship dissatisfaction: A complex mix of factors 
While emotional neglect and the search for validation are common causes, general dissatisfaction with the relationship can also lead to infidelity. If a relationship is marked by constant conflict, unmet needs, or a lack of communication, one or both partners may seek solace outside of the relationship. In these situations, infidelity may be seen as an escape from the difficulties at home or a way to cope with ongoing frustration. 

Some people might justify their infidelity by blaming the state of their relationship, believing that because their relationship isn’t fulfilling, cheating is an acceptable outlet. However, this reasoning often leads to more significant problems. Rather than addressing the root causes of dissatisfaction, infidelity exacerbates the issues, adding guilt, betrayal, and secrecy into the mix. 

Thrill-seeking and novelty: The allure of the forbidden 
For some individuals, infidelity is not about dissatisfaction at all but rather about seeking excitement, adventure, or novelty. The idea of doing something forbidden or risky can provide a thrill that’s absent in the day-to-day routine of a committed relationship. 

This thrill-seeking behaviour is often more about the experience than the person with whom the infidelity occurs. Some individuals crave the rush of adrenaline that comes from sneaking around, keeping secrets, or doing something taboo. This can be particularly true for people who feel bored or stagnant in their current relationship. They may not want to leave their partner but are seeking an experience that makes them feel alive or invigorated. 

While this type of infidelity may seem more superficial, it can still have devastating consequences. The thrill is often short-lived, and the excitement can quickly give way to guilt, shame, or regret. 

The role of opportunity: When circumstances enable infidelity 
Opportunity is another critical factor in infidelity. Even individuals who are generally satisfied with their relationship may find themselves tempted if the circumstances are conducive. Travel, work environments, social gatherings, or online interactions can all provide opportunities for infidelity to occur. 
In many cases, infidelity is not premeditated but happens spontaneously when the opportunity presents itself. Alcohol or drugs may lower inhibitions, making it easier for someone to act on impulses they wouldn’t otherwise entertain. Alternatively, prolonged separation due to travel or work may lead to loneliness, which in turn creates the conditions for infidelity. 

Opportunity alone may not cause infidelity, but it can certainly make it easier for someone to justify or rationalize their actions. 

Unresolved personal issues: Childhood and psychological factors 
Beyond relational dissatisfaction, personal issues can also contribute to infidelity. Some people engage in cheating as a way of coping with unresolved traumas, insecurities, or fears. A history of abuse, neglect, or abandonment may make it difficult for an individual to trust or fully commit to a partner, leading them to sabotage their relationship through infidelity. 

In other cases, individuals with attachment issues may struggle with intimacy and vulnerability, making them more likely to seek external validation. For these individuals, cheating is less about the partner or the relationship and more about their internal struggles with self-worth, fear of rejection, or desire for control. 
Narcissistic tendencies can also play a role, as people with narcissistic traits may feel entitled to attention and admiration from others, regardless of their relationship status. For them, infidelity may be seen as a way to satisfy their need for admiration and validation, without concern for the emotional consequences to their partner. 

The digital age: How technology has changed the nature of infidelity 
In today’s digital world, infidelity has taken on new forms. The rise of social media, dating apps, and online communication has made it easier for people to engage in secret relationships, often without their partner’s knowledge. Emotional affairs can develop through texting, messaging, or even video calls, blurring the lines between what constitutes infidelity. 

The anonymity and accessibility of online platforms have made infidelity more tempting for some individuals. They may not even view their actions as cheating, especially if no physical contact occurs. However, emotional affairs can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical infidelity. 

In this context, infidelity can stem from curiosity, boredom, or a desire for connection. The convenience and instant gratification of online interactions can create a false sense of intimacy, leading people to make decisions they wouldn’t otherwise consider in person. 

Conclusion: Is infidelity always about physical attraction? 
In conclusion, while physical attraction can certainly play a role in infidelity, it is rarely the only factor. Infidelity is a complex behaviour driven by various emotional, psychological, and situational factors. Emotional dissatisfaction, the search for validation, thrill-seeking, opportunity, personal issues, and the influence of technology all contribute to the decision to cheat. 

Understanding the full scope of infidelity requires looking beyond the act of sex and examining the underlying motivations that drive people to be unfaithful. Ultimately, addressing these root causes within a relationship—through communication, empathy, and understanding—can help prevent infidelity and foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection.

Prof. Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, M.D. is a Senior Sex Therapist and Counsellor from Mumbai, practicing for more than 35 years. He is a Hon. Professor and Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at K.E.M.Hospital and G.S.Medical College Mumbai.