‘You are not my maid. You are my Aunty’: When domestic helpers become family

Even though the relationship between a domestic helper and her employer is supposedly temporary, some leave a lasting impact. Three long-time helpers, all from the Philippines, reflect on how their relationships with their Singaporean employers shaped their understanding of family.

Estefania Castillo Tablada, or Aunty Farnie, as she’s known to her former employers, has seen Singapore even before the first MRT station was built. The domestic helper arrived in the country in September 1986 with a simple dream.

She wanted to earn enough money to support her family back in the Philippines and finish funding her children’s studies. Her youngest son was only five then.

But when the first-time helper started working for the Teo family, they soon became her family – and she stayed on for the next 37 years.

When Farnie finally retired last year at the age of 70, she had grandchildren in the Philippines and a second home in Singapore. There was not a single dry eye at the airport on her flight home, she recalled over the phone, choking back tears.

“I was very sad when I had to go back. Even my employer cried when I went to sit [in] the airplane. I also cried.”

An employer’s relationship with their helper is commonly seen to be transactional and transient. These migrant workers help in various ways – from caring for the elderly to raising young kids – and leave when their services are no longer required.

Occasionally, however, the relationship transcends the boundaries of a work contract. Farnie is one among several long-term helpers who, in their view, were lucky enough to find a family outside their own.

But this rapport takes time to build and much depends on the “adjustment period” for both employer and helper.

ADJUSTING TO A NEW LIFE

Hearing Farnie wax lyrical about her time working for the Teos over the phone, it’s near impossible to tell that she once felt “uncomfortable” around them when she initially set foot in Singapore. They were “all very strict”, she said.

Still, she promised she would do her best to learn Hokkien to communicate with them.

“Then once I learnt their dialect, they were very happy and I’m also very happy. I can hear what’s their problem. I can tell them what I want, what I don’t want, so they can understand who I am,” she added.

Sometimes if you are a first-timer, you feel a struggle. It’s difficult to adjust to a new environment.

Coincidentally, two other helpers who developed similarly tight ties with their employers were employed by the Teos’ relatives.

Rosejean Librado – or Aunty Rose – was employed by the Eng household for two years before they had to relocate to China for about five years. They couldn’t take her with them, but they had enjoyed her companionship so much they stayed in touch and even introduced her to her next employer in Singapore.

Then when the Eng family returned home, Rose recommended her older sister, Rosalyn Mercado, in 2016. Affectionately known as Aunty Lyn, the 48-year-old first-time helper has worked for them since.

But like Farnie, both Rose and Lyn took time to adapt.

“The number one struggle of the employer and helper is the adjustment period because you don’t know their character,” said Lyn, whose son was four when she left the Philippines.

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“But me, I think, one month only for adjustment.”

Even though she was a first-time helper taking care of a “big house” on her own, she felt trusted to manage her time and workload. That mutual trust, Lyn said, made it “easy” to adapt.

Rose too, had a similar experience when she began working for the Eng family in 2008. It was also her first time as a helper, and her youngest daughter was the same age as one of the family’s young girls.

“Sometimes if you are a first-timer, you feel a struggle. It’s difficult to adjust to a new environment. But here, I took very fast to adjust,” the 47-year-old said.

Despite now having another employer, whom she also praises for their generosity, Rose still occasionally visits the Engs’ home to spend time with her sister on a day off.

“I was a first-timer, I feel sad, and I’m a mother. Then they told me, ‘Aunty Rose, if you miss (your daughter), you can hug me!’ So that’s why I love this ma’am’s children,” she added with a laugh, recalling that Natalie and her sisters would also ask if they could sleep in her room with her.

To me, she lives in the house, she’s family.

Another particularly amusing incident that Rose can’t forget involved a family holiday to Malaysia. She’d accompanied the Engs on the trip. Upon reaching a restaurant, she found there were only chopsticks which she didn’t know how to use.

Her then-employer whipped out a fork and spoon, well-prepared for the “emergency”, she recalled, unable to control her laughter at the memory.

“If my ma’am never moved to China, I think I’m still here with them,” she mused.

GETTING CLOSER, BECOMING FAMILY

In an email sent by Natalie Eng, the Engs’ eldest daughter, last month, the 28-year-old had hoped to highlight the impact of such long-term relationships with her family and extended family’s helpers. They’d always treated her like a daughter after all. Farnie took care of Natalie when she was a baby before her family got their own helper.

And Natalie was brought up to see their helper as family. 

Every year, without question, Lyn is included in Chinese New Year and birthday photo shoots, along with Natalie’s parents, her two younger sisters and their dog.

“It’s the norm,” Natalie said matter-of-factly. “To me, she lives in the house, she’s family.”

Farnie’s employer – Natalie’s relatives – also included Farnie in their holidays, extended family parties and gatherings, and even weddings. During Chinese New Year this year, she returned to Singapore to be with them. There was a family reunion, after all – and she was family.

Farnie recalled fondly something that Natalie’s cousin, her employer’s young son, had once told her: “You are not my maid. You are my aunty.” She had simply said she didn’t see a need to dress up to visit the shopping mall with him “because I am only your maid”. 

Similarly, when Natalie’s aunt got married, “they didn’t allow me to dress like a maid”, she added, chuckling at the memory. Farnie dressed like “one of them” – as far as the family was concerned, she was one of them.

They often reminded her, “If you have a problem, you can just tell us. We count you as family”, she recalled. 

“That’s why I felt comfortable to stay longer with this family.”

Recalling her painful decision to retire, Farnie said: “I think I have done enough for this family, so I decided to go back. I also see Natalie (and her sisters and cousins) all big already.”

But Lyn, who works for Natalie’s family, pointed out that not every helper has similar luck with their first employer, and even a good relationship isn’t always smooth. “If we make mistake, we just talk, me and my ma’am. We are not perfect, but after (we talk), okay already,” she illustrated.

As a result of the trust built with Lyn over time, Natalie’s family has even opened their house to their helper’s friends to visit during Christmas and the New Year holiday – a rare “privilege” she knows not to take for granted.

“Sometimes when (my sister and I) meet other helpers and they complain (about their employer), I remain quiet. I think how blessed I am, how lucky because my employer is not like that,” she added.

And at least for the foreseeable future, Lyn’s time in Singapore has no expiration date: “I tell them that until they don’t need me, I’m here.”

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